TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have One more area in which American Adult males can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present everyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You know, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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